Monday, 13 January 2014

If Only CVs Were More Creative and Not Full of Boring Stuff

I happened to be sitting in the car with Elder today, not up to much other than mooching and moaning about the fact we are still living in flipping Maidenhead, when Don Mclean's American Pie came on Magic FM.

Now, I'd like to reassure everyone who thinks of me as a cool, down with the kids young thing that I prefer to listen to Kiss in the car but Elder turns it off as it's "noise" and "chav" (ahem), but it made me voice the opinion that, my knowledge of the whole lyrics to the full version of American Pie (and not the shite Madonna version), is such a skill, it should, by rights be on my CV.

Which Elder said was daft, but then he would as he has no lyric remembering skills whatsoever.

It then made me think, as I am starting jobhunting (well, I've never really stopped, its just that kids, and moving and the like meant a hiatus), that perhaps if you could add in other unusual skills, rather than just, as in most cases, lie blatantly (not me. No siree. Cough), it may help your possible employer build a better picture of you as a more rounded individual.

After all, the jobsmarket is such that 500 people apply for the same Tesco shelf stacking jobs, so, maybe a like-ability factor would be handy?

Here is my, better, and more honest CV. Let me know your version, and feel free to link in the comments.

Name: Claire
Age: Nearly 32, but still get asked for id quite a bit so can pass for about 18. 

Lives: A nomadic, boho lifestyle moving from one place to another to seek out a Landlord who is not a tosser and a house that is not kept together through sellotape and willpower alone.

Can stay awake despite having no more than 2 hours sleep a night in the last 7 years and function quite admirably via coffee.
Pretty good at having more than three windows open at once on my shaky old laptop, using Twitter, Facebook and blogging all at once
Knows how to Google stuff and doesn't always rely on the first page or Wikipedia
Knows all the lyrics to Don Mclean's American Pie (the 12 inch version) and can remember lyrics to any song, even crap ones my daughter listens to, after one play.

Previous Employment: Erm, well, actually, I have been bringing up small people for a few years now. That may not be paid (accept Elder giving me cash to piss off to Primark for the morning for new clothes when I moan of having naff all to wear), but if Children are the Future, as was so well sung by Whitney(before the crack), then I have provided more to the nation, if not the world, by giving it two, well, OK behaved children (although apologies for Mini liking Wand Erection. She'll grow out of it).
I have been helping at The Shop, which means I also give back to old folks too. That and bagsy some nice bits and bobs, thus you may add thrift to my skills too.
Before Brats, I worked in shops. That sucked a bit, I always had right mean bosses with spots and questionable personal hygiene levels. I also did a Management course.

Education: Yeah, about that. If you are from Kent, I may have gone to Robert Napier, but, if you've heard of it, I didn't really, I went to the posh girls Grammar School (for one year). I got shiny GCSE grades. I even got two As. And it wasn't in childcare. And I didn't leave seconds before giving birth. I'd never even had a snog when I left. 

Personal Statement: You see, you may look at me as a Mum, who has sat on my backside, flicking between Jeremy Kyle and Cbeebies whilst smoking fags and doing nothing more strenuous than scratching my arse. But, you'd be wrong. I have worked my butt off to give my other half, who is no easy fecker to live with, two beautiful children, with good manners and food which has yet to kill him (yet). I have not watched much Cbeebies (no talent to watch whatsoever, I'm not desperate enough to fancy Mr Maker, and don't get me started on Mr Tumble), I have run a pretty OK for a poorly educated girl from the Medway Towns (the posh bit, not the Street Wars bit) blog, still managed to do the laundry, keep abreast of politics (even though its dull) and my children are clean and tidy. Well, Mini is, the boy is a magnet to filth within ten seconds. I may not have loads of qualifications, but I have life skills. I wont ring in sick cos I've been out twerking at the local disco high on Miaow Miaow all night, I wont write an important report in text speak, and I wont, at any point, wear arse shorts even though my arse is too big for them in the workplace, scaring all the customers away. 


I will be the best darn employee ever. Or until I get bored and leave for bigger things.

References: Yep, I have these, it may be me putting on a posh voice or it may, just for a change, be my other half, but you'll get one.

Contact: well, as above I can't give my telephone number, so its probably best to get me on Twitter, @TheLazyGirlBlog. I'm always on there, much better than Jeremy Kyle any day.

1 comment:

  1. If I were an employer I would employ you just for that CV!. I am sure most employers would love a few of these when people applied for jobs if not just to have a giggle.


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